Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink. I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink.

I'm not stressing. I'm not. Really.

I used to be a real night owl. I'd stay up till morning, watch the sun come up. Sometimes I was out, sometimes I was playing poker and sometimes I was just sitting on my couch with my laptop.

But that all changed with IC. He goes to sleep on the early side and I found that I liked going to sleep then too. 12:30 lights out with my man? I'm in.

But now I can't seem to get to sleep. I can't turn off my brain. I'm exhausted yet wide awake. I work out and drink wine with dinner, normally a potent combination which leads immediately to bed, and nothing is helping me sleep.

I refuse to call it stress. Stress is for people with real problems, people living in war-torn countries, people who worry about their next meal, not for people who decide 4 weeks out from their wedding that, actually, maybe choosing a reggae song for our first dance was not our finest idea. And, eh, maybe we should just let the dj wing it after all (no, that won't actually happen, but putting the music list together is hard). And, oh, hey, go spend 30 minutes picking out a ring that you'll wear for the rest of your life. And my trainer is kicking my ass, and our moms haven't chosen their dresses, and my brother still needs a suit, and IC isn't 100% on his suit, and we haven't booked a florist or a cake-maker yet and apparently that's plain crazy, and our venue hotel is only fully opening this weekend, and I haven't gotten my dress altered yet, or figured out our rehearsal dinner, and I don't have a veil. Oh and the rabbi is flaking out. And we still need to order a ketubah. And I hope they spelled our names right on the yarmulkes.

I try to focus. I'm marrying my best friend, in a heartstoppingly (again, I'm an immigrant who makes up words) beautiful setting, surrounded by family and the closest of friends. We want this. The thought of spending our lives together makes us giddy.

The rational side of me is like "go to sleep, crazy, the bakers in Turks&Caicos aren't going to answer your question at 2:56am." I realize I accomplish nothing with these late nights except killing part of my morning tomorrow. But the buzz in my head won't quiet. I guess that's what the honeymoon is for. And if we knew where we were honeymooning, I'm sure I'd find solace in looking forward to it. :-)


  1. I had similar issues while awaiting the arrival of Eli - it's hard to focus when your focus is so divided! What ended up helping me was massage - I went to a really good place and it made a world of difference. And you have many good places to go (I like Charmane at Bliss 57 - she's south african and is not a weak masseuse). It could help...

  2. Honestly, I'd feel bad the whole time wondering what wedding-related thing I could be working on instead. Also, I've only had one massage in my life and I was sore as hell for days afterward. Coupled with my gym-going, I'm not sure I'll be able to walk.

    I know it's just tension and nerves, I'm sure it will all pass. :-)

  3. I wish I could remember what I thought about when I was getting married - but it's been awhile since 2003...and the two kids kind of took up all the space in my brain that reserved wedding thoughts ;). I know this is going to sound dumb, but have you tried taking three tylenol PM? They work better than any sleep aid and don't screw with your mind the next day. (Plus: added benefit of making sore muscles feel better!)

  4. Don't you know that both alcohol and working out preceding sleep decreases REM sleep time? No wonder you're tired...