Monday, January 12, 2009

Do we?

"We need to talk," IC said last night. We had spent a really nice day with his family, eating, hanging out and watching the Giants decide they'd rather be golfing. After they left, he had some work to do and he delivered the above line when he was finally done. This was prime Sunday veg out time! Talking is for chumps!

"Are we getting married in April?" he asked.

URG, the question everyone keeps asking me. And I have no idea.

We still haven't picked a place and April is 2 1/2 months away.

The cons to getting married in April:

1) We have to pick a place, very quickly, and rush to get the invitations out and RSVPs back in.

2) A dress for me, a linen suit for IC, both of which would pretty much need to fall in our laps at this point.

3) We'd have to find a photographer, a DJ, a florist, and whatever else the wedding industry tells us we need, post haste.

4) Would we be giving our guests enough time to price tickets and get the time off from work?

The pros to getting married in April:

1) We'd be married. In April!

2) If we don't get married in April, the Caribbean is pretty much out as a destination (as the wedding would then take place in June at the very earliest and it's simply too hot then). We'd have to look at Bermuda which, while very nice, is a little more buttoned up than either of us. We'd also have to start from scratch in many ways. While it's nice that I'd now be looking at vineyards in California and small islands off of Georgia, I'd be learning a whole new topography and will have wasted all of my Caribbean knowledge that I've gained over the past few months (quick, ask me the difference between Barbados and Barbuda).

3) While I joke about the wedding industry in the Con section, there is something to that. If we get married in April there's only so much time I can spend thinking I need some dumb trinket (no, really, what is the point of a wedding favor?) or worrying about different aspects of the day that ultimately won't matter to anyone, including me.

If we do it in April, it will likely be Turks&Caicos and I will have to take a quick 2-day trip there to look at a bunch of places in the next week. While it may sound like "awww, poor me, I have to go to Turks&Caicos" I'm actually not excited at all to take this kind of trip without IC. He definitely can't go due to work and the idea of running around to various locations and having extensive wedding conversations without him is not at all appealing.

So are we getting married in April? I don't know. I want someone removed from the situation, who doesn't have the ulterior motive of wanting a vacation in April or grandkids 10 months later (or alternately, wants us to push it off because getting time off in April will be harder for them than June), to tell us "look, it's just not enough time, give up on the April idea" or "don't listen to the wedding magazines that say you need at least 6-9 months to plan a wedding, this is do-able, just do it."

Comments very appreciated.


  1. Not that I really have much to go on, but from reading what you have to say about it and also talking to you about it a bit, I have never ever felt like the Caribbean was the right fit for you, for many reasons. At this point you should cut your losses as far as worrying about the time spent researching the islands. With a small group, maybe April would still be doable but with your large party, it's not likely all the planning will fall together for an April island wedding. I think the fact that you guys have never found the right place should make the decision for are trying to force it even though no island has been the right choice.

    The mainland America suggestions you mention above are very viable options and will no doubt be easier on your guests to make accommodations for. I think you are stressing yourself out way to much about finding the location, and because of that it's causing discord between the two of you.

  2. 4) Would we be giving our guests enough time to price tickets and get the time off from work?

    Of course not. But that's one way of keeping the guest list down to small numbers!

  3. My wedding was planned in 2 weeks. We planned wedding in Colorado while the husband and I were in NYC. It can be done.


  4. Could you get a wedding planner to sort out all the above?

  5. Angela, that's funny because we're so ahem, wed, to the Caribbean as our destination because it feels *so* us. But maybe we're just forcing it. I don't know.

    Ken, really, 2 months isn't enough time to get 2 days off from work and book a plane ticket? I'm really asking here. I'm a consultant and not sure how other lives work.

    Crystal, super encouraging. I definitely lean toward wanting it in April but am afraid it will be too rushed.

    Rowena, yes, we can, but the wedding planner needs a sense of what we want. We don't really know what we want beyond a vague notion to get married on a beautiful beach somewhere.

  6. Hm. I guess it boils down to what you want, there seems to be a sense of urgency to do it sooner rather than later? If that is your main priority just go for it, with the knowledge that maybe certain things won't be exactly as you'd like. But it sounds like maybe you're not after something quite simple enough to do it in the time frame you've got? I think planning it all yourself sounds really stressful - regardless of what you do you cannot allow that to happen, even if it means bringing a friend or relative along with you to decide on things. Try not to get too caught up in worrying about all the stuff you're meant to do/have, as at this stage if you want to do all the stereotypical wedding stuff to be honest I think it would be hugely stressful if even possible. Sorry, it's down to you really I guess. :-)x

  7. There's no real sense of urgency beyond the fact that we'd just like to be married already. And IC has the fear that if he gives me a few more months I'll just end up researching the whole world and we won't be any closer to a solution. Which is not unlikely.

    I would like simple and, honestly, if we weren't trying to take our guests into consideration as much as we are the whole process would be a lot simpler.

  8. Mrs Dan says giving 2 months notice is not good. So if you were doing April 26th you still have a whole month +13 days : )

    Y so negativo ?

    Just pick the spot and send invites. Everthing else can be worked out on the run.

    BTW I NEED really, really, really nice accomodations....

  9. Yes, but we can't do it end of April, see Omer Counting:

    And accomodations will be nice but would you mind flying to Spain or Italy:

  10. If you book ASAP its not too soon for your guests or invitations. You live in new yawk city, everything can get done in a heartbeat. A dress and linen suit can be done in a snap. Don't let anyone scare you into thinking that your dress can't be taken care can buy a floor sample b/c you are a size 8 and walk home with one.

    This whole problem is not to deep..its no that the caribbean doesn't fit or some other random subconscience reason. It's that your NOT A don't really make plans Karol. Have you ever really noticed that?? You don't make dinner plans 2 wks in advance...You don't plan your weekend until maybe friday...You don't PLAN. Which is not a bad thing, it just makes you YOU. It is only a problem when you actually have to plan something..which is Now. I probably could plan your entire wedding in about 72 hours (just say the word & i'm in:)).

    And any place that is worth having your wedding at in the Caribbean will put you in touch with a good photographer, florist & DJ that they work with on a regular basis. I still say you should do Caneel bay place, you could book it without seeing it and then go later and work on all the minor deats.

    Where or whenever you plan to get married won't really matter that much. You will be surrounded by your friends and family that love you and everyone will be eager to have fun and celebrate! When it comes down to it you just have to make a decision and I really can't imagine that a wedding in the matter what hotel or what island can be that bad:)

    OH its Lisa, I can't post my name without encountering a problem.

  11. I do think most folks need more than a couple of months to clear vacations with employers. That said, your wedding attendees are only going to be your closest friends and family anyways, they are going to find a way to make it no matter what you do. (although as a practical matter, as i recall, there aren't exactly a whole lot of flights to the turks and caicos on any given day, so you do probably need to make a decision before they're all booked)

  12. Even if it's easy to get a couple days off of work, unlike you and your poker-playing buddies, I think quite a few people have a mental barrier to leap when it comes to travel -- especially travel that involves leaving the country (and especially for such a short duration).

    That said, I definitely would NOT swap tropical isle for an island off the coast of Georgia. Those islands are beautiful, but they're probably a bigger pain in the ass to get to than Turks/Caicos. Further, an east coast location will bring up two questions
    1) If they're doing it in the states, why didn't they just do it closer to home and make it easier for everyone? The Hamptons have nice beaches. (Atlantic City has a beach too!)
    2) Wait? She expects us to go to Georgia? She's taking this "Let's piss off Putin thing entirely too far."

  13. Do all of your guests have valid passports? (note the "valid" part)

  14. Lisa is right about the florist and photographer: that will fall into place once you be definite on a resort/location.
    As a homework before talking to a local florist (which will speed up the selection/pricing process considerably) you might think what tropical flowers you prefer; go for a stroll in the florist district wholesalers (24th to 30th streets, west side sometime early morning, and ask to see tropicals. Never mind their prices: it will be different from the range your Caribbean florist will give you. Just look at selection and write down the names you like.

  15. Two months might only not be enough for ticket buying because in this crap economy some folks might need to save/plan/budget.

  16. Per the crazy redhead - my wife, not you - if your ideal guest list is in the neighborhood of 12 or less and you go all out with the prep, you can get it done in April. (And, I think, those closest to you will make it happen as far as showing up.) If you envisioned a larger group of people, she says you'll have to do it later.

  17. Gib, our guest list is around 120 and we're counting on 80 showing up, maybe less. We don't think it could possibly be less than 60, though. But why is a larger group harder than a smaller one? Concept seems the same, pick a date, book a room block, have a dinner. No?

    And Lisa, after a full day of "wow, Lisa nailed it", I'm now thinking it's not so much than I'm not a planner, just that I have trouble pulling the trigger. What if I make dinner plans for Saturday and then don't feel like going out? Who benefits from me going anyway, despite the fact that I might not want to be there. I just want to give myself, as we say over on our poker blog, "outs".

  18. lol @ poker playing buddies. I also agree with Ken especially if your dealing with older folks.

    Gib I would imagine based on these 2 they're looking at like 50.

    Just a guess.

    If you were ready to make a decision I would say it's possible. Judging by your responses you seem more concearned with the storybook aspect than actually being married and then you may want to wait to plan the event out with the detail and locale you envision to meet your (and guest?) expectations.

    Theres no harm in waiting, there is also no harm in going to city hall and throwing the "reception" later. If you want I'll glue the curls on and you can do it on a saturday.

  19. Dan, if it were up to me we would've eloped in October. But if we're already doing a wedding, then yeah we want to do it well.