Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Probably the best marriage advice I've ever heard

I picked up my wedding dress yesterday. It's perfect, though I seriously can't lose one more pound if I'd like it to hang on me correctly. You never think about that part, or I never do, that a dress can be too big with all the pre-wedding gym and dieting. IC pointed out this meant I could eat anything I want in Turks. Except, I eat anything I want now, under my patent-pending weightloss system.

But this is not a post about weight or dresses.

After I picked up my dress, I hailed a cab. I got in and the cabbie said, in a thick Israeli accent, "excuse me, can I ask you a question? Is this a wedding dress?"

I said that it was.

"Ohhhhhh! You getting married?"

Yep, this weekend. Well, Monday, really.

"Oh that's wonderful! Marriage is so wonderful! I've been married to my wife for 40 years and I still run home to her at the end of every night. She's stunning, STUNNING! When I met her, she was 19 and didn't know anything. That's the only way I got her. If I had met her two years later there is no way she would have gone out with me. She agreed to a date with me and when I came home from that date I told my mother there is no way this gorgeous girl will go out with me again. She was stunning! She's still stunning! Here, look at her picture. She's 60! Isn't she beautiful!."

She is very beautiful.

"When she agreed to a second date I almost fell on the floor. The whole date I was planning how to get her to marry me. She's so amazing, she makes the best home! She always looks good. She always smells good. Here, smell this, I carry around her perfume so I can smell it throughout the day."

He takes a deep breath of it and looks delirious with happiness.

"She is just everything. Do you want me to tell you the secret of a great marriage? I'll tell you, I hope you don't get offended, but anyway I'll probably never see you again."

Tell me.

"The secret of a great marriage is this: 23 1/2 hours a day, I worship her, I do anything she says, she is the boss, she is a goddess. For 30 minutes a day, in the bedroom, I am the boss and she gives me everything. I'm not joking, men are shmucks, we're not very complicated. All we need is 30 minutes a day where you make us feel like a man and that's it. Do that, and you will have a very happy life together"


  1. It's true! It is!

  2. hah i knew that ......dont ever let the sex go out of your marriage

  3. I'm in the middle of getting divorcedApril 1, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    I wish my wife had followed that advice.

  4. Amen to that!!!!! He is right :)

  5. that is genius right there.

  6. Good for him!!!!
    (Congrats on getting your dress, by the way..., funny I never had to worry about the dress being too big though...)

    I knew someone a long time ago that was so excited... she wanted to be "anorexic thin" for her wedding day. Poor thing, and she was. Eating disorders do not make for good wedding photography!

    Don't forget to have a snack before the ceremony! I forgot and almost passed out in the heat. All my best!

  7. What Kelley said is so something! At my first wedding (yeah, my starter wedding, married way too young, long story, whatever) I only heard buzzing in my ears. I thought it was because I was freaked out. Turns out I hadn't eaten in 48 hours. This does NOT make for a good wedding party!

  8. 2 words of advice: ARGUE NAKED

  9. He gets a full thirty minutes a day? Lucky bastard.

  10. After years and years of soul-searching in a bad marraige, I finally distilled mens' needs--at least this man's--down to two things:

    Men need frequent sex, and appreciation.

    Women, if you can give him those two things--just those two things--you'll have a devoted husband.

    After my divorce I found a woman who understood. We're still crazy in love...

  11. this is along the lines of dennis prager's recent articles that made feminists say he approves of rape.
    they're dumb. you're smart.

  12. Making a planner for wedding is most important part of any marriage. It should comprise of all the things necessary in wedding. Nowadays couple and families can consult with marriage counselors to take advice about all necessitates needed in wedding. You don't have to rub your mind it will save your time and give you the complete list items.